goodbye girls

Not too long ago, I posted a video about my friend/coworker Chelsea. Well, she's no longer a coworker, she quit last week. I am pretty bummed about it for a lot of reasons, but think it's for the best for a lot of other reasons. I realized that Chelsea is that last of the girls to leave my work. In the last few months four of the girls I close the store with have left, mostly for school. I still have Betsy, but she doesn't close with me very much. Now it's a total sausage party, and not in the cool way.
I had a nice balance of guy friends and girl friends at work. There are certainly some conversations I had with the girls, especially Chelsea, that I wouldn't have with the guys. I'm also worried that the machismo at that place will go through the roof. The guys who run it are already sexists. Oh, well, there is some good news...

Winter is coming! As I walked to work in the rain yesterday I felt the excitement of the seasons changing. I love fall and winter and today I could smell it. Not just that rainy smell but something more, something that says "It's going to be cold! Cuddle and be hugged!" Another reason I love it...work will be slow. I have already been doing crosswords and drawing on beer boxes and reading magazines to pass the time. Today, in Adbusters, I found a poem that I actually like! I'll post it here, dedicated to Chelsea.


Goodbye
I do not wish to be led down the garden path.
Why the offended look?
I have seen beauty in those petals,
marvelled at how they glisten
softly
in the morning dew.
But now dusk threatens
And I do not wish to go.

-Sophie McKeand

Arting

Last night I spent a lot of time drawing a small, four-panel comic strip about a stupid aspect of my stupid job. My immersion in this activity caused both people I was IMing with to question my presence and/or consciousness. It made me feel good to get lost in something like that again. It's been a while.
Here it is:

I get pretty upset evertime I want to scan something. Since my scanner broke I have to take digital pictures of everything and none of my cameras are of any quality.
I never fully finished my last art project. I made the "technophobe" picture for Jeremy, but never took a picture of it. other than that I haven't really worked on anything since the last post about it. Harumph.

My Neuroses

One of the definitions for neurosis at Dictionary.com is:
a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment
Yup. That's me.
I have a lot of trouble making decisions, comfortably talking to people, and I think I'm a little afraid of just about everything. My trouble making decisions leads to a kind of lethargy; you know, I can't decide what to do so I don't do anything. This is a big part of why I didn't finish college, or even make any headway when I did try to go. Is it also because I'm lazy? Probably.
What is it about making a decision that causes me to freeze like a deer caught in the headlights? Am I afraid of making the wrong decision? Is it that I don't want to put any effort into thoroughly thinking out any major decisions like changing jobs, moving, or going back to school? I think I've done okay so far. I moved from California to Seattle, far away from my family and my best friend wich was probably one of the biggest decisions I've made in my life. And it was a good decision, one for wich I have absolutley no regrets.
That move took a lot of balls, but I think it's just because I hit a breaking point; I couldn't stand where I was living anymore and leaving California all together seemed like a really good idea. That was a change in my life that practically made itself for me.
Something like changing jobs is a little different for me. This is where both the fear of everything and my discomfort with interpersonal communicating comes into play. Job searching requires me to be able to sell myself to a potential employer. For me to do that I would not only want the job I would also have to have enough faith in myself to do that job. As it goes now I feel that I wouldn't fare very well in finding a job that wasn't in customer service. Not just any customer service, but the kind where anyone can walk into your place of buisness and you have to do whatever they want, ie: retail, grocery, restaurant. Shit, I can't even do a restaurant. This wouldn't be much of a change from what I'm doing now so I don't really see a point in making the change. The job I have now isn't that bad aside from having absolutley no control over who I have to deal with at any random point of any day. For instance, I now live in fear that that crazy lady from the previous posts will drop in at any time.
And what is it about talking to people all day that makes me so uncomfortable? I don't know...I just have this image in my mind of all the people I've come into contact with throughout the day gathering together when I finally go to sleep and discussing what a horrible person I am, all the stupid things I said, and how wrong I did everything.
I don't know why I'm writing all this. Certainly not for pity. I'm just trying to state matter-of-factly how I feel, even if I know I'm dead wrong. Not only can I not think of anybody who doesn't like me, I know there are lots of people out there who like me a lot even though they shouldn't. Oh my god, do I not like people because I don't like myself? Wait, no...I think I'm awesome.
Anyway, as the defention above said, it's a "realativley mild" condition and I'm always trying to overcome it. Writing it all down probably helps me evaluate the situation.

NO, really, I'm NOT your friend!

I've dealt with my fair share of crazies. There was the guy who I worked with in the cash office of a WalMArt who didn't like to be touched, would swat at imaginary flies, and mutter things at me like "Don't look at me, fag." There was the constantly-talking-to-himself hobo Sapphire in Arcata, CA who became an active member of the community trying to put together a homeless task force(go to the link to read his enlightening speech at a town meeting.)At my job now, there's the guy who is rude to everyone, save a select few people. I am not one of them. I don't' know how he picks his friends. He comes in and says "Woo-Hoo!" to announce his presence, sometimes laughs to himself a lot, and once bit one of our baggers on the shoulder. There's also a woman who comes in and loudly insists that our produce guy sing with her. Usually songs no one has ever heard of.

Now, of course, we have a new one. The lady from the previous post. She came in again tonight. My coworker, Seth, had already had the lights in the vestibule and on the readerboard turned off. I'm standing at a register, discussing with the girl who was checking that night whether anyone else was coming in (I'd seen the silhouette of a car door opening outside). She hates late customers with a passion, and she REALLY doesn't like this lady. When she came in, I think both of our stomachs sunk. The woman looked all serious and said "You know...you know, you really shouldn't turn the lights out...if you're not closed,three or four minutes early..." Something like that. I look at the clock and say "Actually it's one minute after ten." I'm not sure what happened exactly after that because I was doing what I had learned to do with crazies in the past, even in a customer service position...IGNORE THEM.

Here's what I do know. She said something about it being our civic duty to honor the hours we post, Seth says we have the right to refuse service to anyone, she gets more upset, Seth points out that he let her in and didn't say she couldn't, she keeps at it, starts crying because her mom is dying or something...I eventually ring her up because the cashier girl had left. She actually wanted to stay and listen, but I made her leave. While she's at the checkstand she's talking about the dark souls on the astral plane that are causing her all this trouble, and that with our clocks, we need to "get with the twentieth century." I hastily made my way to the back to get the mop, leaving Seth to his own people-dealing devices. Upon leaving I hear her say "Pardon me for being a Virgo." Look, I'm all for spirituality. I'm agnostic, so I'm open to all kinds of it. Astrology, Catholicism, it all interests me. But I know spirituality and then I know crazy. Seth later told me that he had to keep telling her to leave, but she was saying things like "I'm so confused right now," and wouldn't move. This woman was obviously dealing with some other issue and projected them all on us. She's just crazy, and I will avoid her like the plague.
Oh, she also kept mentioning talking to a manager. God, I really hope she does. My boss will totally have our backs.

I'm NOT your friend

This may sound a bit cruel, but I hate when crazy, lonley people think it's okay to just talk to you unceasingly. There's a woman who comes into my work maybe once a week and just goes on and on about,...well, I don't know, I try to tune her out. Yes, she's really nice, but she'll overstay her welcome, talking to us as we're trying to work, or help other customers. I never even humor her anymore. If I ask how she is, I'll never hear the end of it. Once a co-worker just asked "How're you?"
Her response: "Well, I wouln't say I'm SUICIDAL,..." and went on to talk about some dispute within her family about someone's estate.
One time she mentioned that she had lived in Arcata, CA. This explains quite a bit.