so wierd

At work feeling a lot better. It's so strange, this has happened the last three days. I wake up severely depressed. As the day goes on I battle it in waves. By nine or ten pm I'm okay again feeling silly for how I felt before. Is it work related,since I get off at 10:30? Is it related to the sun? What's going on?
I think blogging about it might help me out a bit, even if no one cares to read about it. It's MY blog, dammit!
later, dudes.

marquis de sade

I signed my car over to a wrecking yard today. It makes me really sad. It also sets my goals back a bit. I loved that car. I drove it into this city when I moved here. It's for the best, but I wish it didn't have to happen while my emotions are already out of control. My stomach always hurts, like I'm about to give a speech in front of a large audience. I've felt like I've been swimming upstream since I got back from California. I thought I was over it, but I'm still having a little trouble. Yet I persevere. This, too, shall pass.

oy

I always talk shit about California, but deep down I kind of thought it was just me being my usual pessimistic, cynical self. I say that I will never move back there, no matter what. I just got back from visiting my parents there not two hours ago and I have to say...it's worse than I thought. I don't want to go back ever, not even to visit my family.
The disgusting black hole that is Antioch is crammed with chain restaurants, super stores and cookie-cutter homes with no yards. It is convenience disguised as luxury, catering to people who cannot live within their means. There is not the slightest indication of any sort of culture whatsoever.
Yes there were good parts about my visit, and the first two days were fun, but the last two caused me some great anxiety, enough for me to have to go outside for air when I went to lunch with my mother. Perhaps I'll write about the good stuff (and more bad stuff) later, but now I'm venting.
If my folks want to see me again, they can come visit me here. We can go to eat at a place they think is too expensive, they can tell me how senile my grandparents are getting and what a handful my (adult)siblings are, and they can politley pretend I don't have a boyfriend.
I missed you , Seattle. You are my home.

A Public Apology

I want to apologize to anyone who was at Re-Bar this past Sunday night. I had never been there before, even though I had heard about it from my boyfriend since before he and I even met, and I'll be damned if I didn't make a most deplorable impression. The entire day was full of socializing and for me that usually means drinking. It got out of hand pretty quickly. I'm no stranger to drinking, but rarely do I get so shitfaced and embarass my man in front of people he hardly gets to see anymore, what with his unaccomidating work schedule.
Although I don't deserve it, I would ask a favor. If you see me, please do not tell me any of the details. The Catholic guilt I felt for two days is penance enough. I have a great boyfriend, I have learned from this mistake and now that I've cleared my conscience I hope I can put it to rest.

A stranger's just a friend who doesn't talk

The other night my gentleman friend and I were looking for something to do. We ended up meeting Bill and Andrew at the Madison Pub. I was digging this because I hadn't seen Andrew since I met him and the Mad Pub is my favorite of the like five gay bars I've been to. There I was trying to get a buzz on, but not drink too much too fast, as I had the night before. I was probably on my second beer (I actually had a short pause between numbers one and two) when this dude who was just kind of hovering around decided to have a sit and listen to any conversations going on in our group. And wouldn't you know it, he sits next to me. That's when Jeremy starts with the "Who's your friend?" "Introduce yourself." "He looks lonely." This went on as I drank my next few beers rather quickly.
I'm not sure what Jeremy's motivation was. Was it to get me out of my shell and socialize with a total stranger? Was it to create an uncomfortable situation for me for his own amusement? Was it pity for this lonely dude? All of the above? Whatever the case my problem, most likely induced by beer, was that I somehow felt that I absolutely had to talk to this guy. I didn't want to. He didn't seem the slightest bit interesting and didn't say a word, no matter how many bar conversations he sat in on. But I felt a force that was beyond me, provoking me into doing this chore. Like I said it was probably the beer.
After about four beers I stomp up to this guy. With the combination of my determination and my drinking I must have seemed crazy or scarily intense. "You're here alone, right?! Why? Why don't you have any friends?!? Are you a fucking loser?!" I obviously didn't say it like that, but I don't really remember how I said it. I do remember that when I said my name was Phil, he thought I said "Joel", which was his name. That's how I knew he was really tossed and anything I did or said was really of no consequence.
I introduced him to the others, asked him a question or two, went to get my beer, then started talking to Bill or something. I think a few exchanges were made but the guy still hung around quietly, then went to The Cuff. We went there later and I saw him but didn't say anything.
He was given a prime opportunity to make some friends. Maybe he's a bad conversationalist (I can relate).Maybe he didn't like us. Maybe he just likes to sit there and stare. Whatever the reason, it was a weird experience for me, doing something out of character like that, and if I see him again maybe I'll say hi. If I recognize him. I had had a lot of beer, after all.

My Neuroses

One of the definitions for neurosis at Dictionary.com is:
a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment
Yup. That's me.
I have a lot of trouble making decisions, comfortably talking to people, and I think I'm a little afraid of just about everything. My trouble making decisions leads to a kind of lethargy; you know, I can't decide what to do so I don't do anything. This is a big part of why I didn't finish college, or even make any headway when I did try to go. Is it also because I'm lazy? Probably.
What is it about making a decision that causes me to freeze like a deer caught in the headlights? Am I afraid of making the wrong decision? Is it that I don't want to put any effort into thoroughly thinking out any major decisions like changing jobs, moving, or going back to school? I think I've done okay so far. I moved from California to Seattle, far away from my family and my best friend wich was probably one of the biggest decisions I've made in my life. And it was a good decision, one for wich I have absolutley no regrets.
That move took a lot of balls, but I think it's just because I hit a breaking point; I couldn't stand where I was living anymore and leaving California all together seemed like a really good idea. That was a change in my life that practically made itself for me.
Something like changing jobs is a little different for me. This is where both the fear of everything and my discomfort with interpersonal communicating comes into play. Job searching requires me to be able to sell myself to a potential employer. For me to do that I would not only want the job I would also have to have enough faith in myself to do that job. As it goes now I feel that I wouldn't fare very well in finding a job that wasn't in customer service. Not just any customer service, but the kind where anyone can walk into your place of buisness and you have to do whatever they want, ie: retail, grocery, restaurant. Shit, I can't even do a restaurant. This wouldn't be much of a change from what I'm doing now so I don't really see a point in making the change. The job I have now isn't that bad aside from having absolutley no control over who I have to deal with at any random point of any day. For instance, I now live in fear that that crazy lady from the previous posts will drop in at any time.
And what is it about talking to people all day that makes me so uncomfortable? I don't know...I just have this image in my mind of all the people I've come into contact with throughout the day gathering together when I finally go to sleep and discussing what a horrible person I am, all the stupid things I said, and how wrong I did everything.
I don't know why I'm writing all this. Certainly not for pity. I'm just trying to state matter-of-factly how I feel, even if I know I'm dead wrong. Not only can I not think of anybody who doesn't like me, I know there are lots of people out there who like me a lot even though they shouldn't. Oh my god, do I not like people because I don't like myself? Wait, no...I think I'm awesome.
Anyway, as the defention above said, it's a "realativley mild" condition and I'm always trying to overcome it. Writing it all down probably helps me evaluate the situation.

NO, really, I'm NOT your friend!

I've dealt with my fair share of crazies. There was the guy who I worked with in the cash office of a WalMArt who didn't like to be touched, would swat at imaginary flies, and mutter things at me like "Don't look at me, fag." There was the constantly-talking-to-himself hobo Sapphire in Arcata, CA who became an active member of the community trying to put together a homeless task force(go to the link to read his enlightening speech at a town meeting.)At my job now, there's the guy who is rude to everyone, save a select few people. I am not one of them. I don't' know how he picks his friends. He comes in and says "Woo-Hoo!" to announce his presence, sometimes laughs to himself a lot, and once bit one of our baggers on the shoulder. There's also a woman who comes in and loudly insists that our produce guy sing with her. Usually songs no one has ever heard of.

Now, of course, we have a new one. The lady from the previous post. She came in again tonight. My coworker, Seth, had already had the lights in the vestibule and on the readerboard turned off. I'm standing at a register, discussing with the girl who was checking that night whether anyone else was coming in (I'd seen the silhouette of a car door opening outside). She hates late customers with a passion, and she REALLY doesn't like this lady. When she came in, I think both of our stomachs sunk. The woman looked all serious and said "You know...you know, you really shouldn't turn the lights out...if you're not closed,three or four minutes early..." Something like that. I look at the clock and say "Actually it's one minute after ten." I'm not sure what happened exactly after that because I was doing what I had learned to do with crazies in the past, even in a customer service position...IGNORE THEM.

Here's what I do know. She said something about it being our civic duty to honor the hours we post, Seth says we have the right to refuse service to anyone, she gets more upset, Seth points out that he let her in and didn't say she couldn't, she keeps at it, starts crying because her mom is dying or something...I eventually ring her up because the cashier girl had left. She actually wanted to stay and listen, but I made her leave. While she's at the checkstand she's talking about the dark souls on the astral plane that are causing her all this trouble, and that with our clocks, we need to "get with the twentieth century." I hastily made my way to the back to get the mop, leaving Seth to his own people-dealing devices. Upon leaving I hear her say "Pardon me for being a Virgo." Look, I'm all for spirituality. I'm agnostic, so I'm open to all kinds of it. Astrology, Catholicism, it all interests me. But I know spirituality and then I know crazy. Seth later told me that he had to keep telling her to leave, but she was saying things like "I'm so confused right now," and wouldn't move. This woman was obviously dealing with some other issue and projected them all on us. She's just crazy, and I will avoid her like the plague.
Oh, she also kept mentioning talking to a manager. God, I really hope she does. My boss will totally have our backs.

I'm NOT your friend

This may sound a bit cruel, but I hate when crazy, lonley people think it's okay to just talk to you unceasingly. There's a woman who comes into my work maybe once a week and just goes on and on about,...well, I don't know, I try to tune her out. Yes, she's really nice, but she'll overstay her welcome, talking to us as we're trying to work, or help other customers. I never even humor her anymore. If I ask how she is, I'll never hear the end of it. Once a co-worker just asked "How're you?"
Her response: "Well, I wouln't say I'm SUICIDAL,..." and went on to talk about some dispute within her family about someone's estate.
One time she mentioned that she had lived in Arcata, CA. This explains quite a bit.